Are you as conflicted as I am about all the good news regarding alcohol, cigarette use, and drugs emerging from the world of adolescent health? Parenting four teens, I’m really relieved, but then I fear that we’re going to have to edit some of the classic teen movies for this new, more responsible generation. Here are some screenplays I’m currently working on (private message me for my agent’s contact information):
The Healthy Breakfast Club: A geek, a cool girl, a rebel, a jock, and a stoner learn to transcend stereotypes when they join forces on a Saturday morning to take over the school cafeteria and concoct an all-paleo meal, cleverly evading the eye of their carb-loving principle.
Porky’s, the Vegan Years: A ragtag band of high school boys have you-know-what on their minds - that’s right, shower safety. They sneak into the girls’ locker room and apply non-slip surfaces to the tile, pausing only to caulk up a hole in the wall, thereby reducing the school’s carbon footprint.
American Pie Presents: SAT Prep: Let’s face it, no one ever got into Stanford by going to Band Camp. Five high school friends are determined to gain early admission to highly selective universities before prom night ends. Over the course of this 16-hour film, viewers master the subtleties of English vocabulary and composition as well as advanced algebra. Tickets are $1200 and include the cost of workbooks and pencils. The movie’s most talked-about scene includes one boy being caught baking pies for Meals On Wheels because he has heard the experience would make a great essay topic.
I really hope that at least one of these ideas gets optioned, if only so that my own teenagers can learn to share my love of quality cinema. (Please, someone send this link to Molly Ringwald.)