Pokémon For Parents

I really wouldn’t be doing my job as a parent if I hadn’t downloaded Pokémon Go and started racing my kids around town to various PokéStops. It helps that I have a patient and indulgent wife, who complains only a little after being left in a running car in the middle of a strip mall parking lot while I follow my phone into a drainage ditch. 

I’m as excited as anyone that a mobile video game finally has kids staring endlessly at their phones…outdoors! An obvious next step would be for developers at Nintendo and Niantic to add a few new creatures to the Pokédex that appeal to, um, more senior players like me. I’m offering the following ideas for free:

• Charminder (12 combat points). This adorable little guy is a Fire creature with the power to make sure you move those steaks from the grill flame to the infrared zone before they burn. His evolved form, Charmaster (26 combat points) can baste ribs for up to three hours. He is most vulnerable to the memory-diminishing attack of the Beerbasaur (6, 12, or 24 combat points).
• Gyrtle (32 combat points). A creature from the Water weight environment, this Pokémon dwells discretely under the trainer’s clothing, where it makes unsightly bulges invisible. Given enough candy it evolves into a Spanx (260 combat points) with enhanced compression powers. Warning to would-be trainers: if you eat the candy yourself, your Gyrtle may explode.
• Ivylauyer (520 combat points). Really by far the most important Pokémon to have in any battle, this fearsome Grass/Poison creature hurls powerful Soots, Injunkshuns, and Moshuns, for enough stardust or candy, payable in advance. In the unlikely event that your Ivylauyer appears to be losing a battle, it can offer the attacker a Seddlement, saving you precious points. The evolved form, the Pardnersaur (1000 combat points), benefits from the victories of its allies and gains candy even when its trainer loses.
• Peakedachu (27 combat points). This worn-looking Pokémon saw his best days during high school, or maybe that one semester he played baseball in college. Looking at him gives the trainer a certain satisfaction that while he seemed pretty intimidating back then, he’s really downright average now, so how do you like them apples? His evolved form, the Hazzbin (3 combat points), can provide the trainer a transient mood boost through its powers of Shoddenfroyd.